I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
