3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
