That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
