So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
