Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
