The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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