i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
