I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
