Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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