why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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