I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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