I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
