***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
someone threw a dead crab at me
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
