he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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