I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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