Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
God, I missed his penis.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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