I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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