I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
