My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
