What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
