I could make wine with my vomit
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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