things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
