Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
