The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
