Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
