im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
