Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
