So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
