The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
