Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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