We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
