I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
