VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
