Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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