I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
