So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
