What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
