He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
