All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
