Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
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