hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
