Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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