i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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