Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
