put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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