It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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