WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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