So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
