SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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