I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
