It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
