the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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