i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
