I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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