who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
