I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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