After last night, I could never be a politician.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
